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Never, Never, Never

There are some things better left unsaid or at least, said differently than those first words out of our mouth. If you don’t believe me, search, ‘things never to say to your spouse’. Using one search engine, I got over 79 million results and after reading each one (huge exaggeration for effect), I’ve selected a few of my favorites for this post.

You’re Overreacting – This works as well as mixing flour with a large fan. Since there’s probably not an agreed upon standard that identifies the correct reaction level, you’ve started off by saying they’re wrong and that rarely goes well. Instead, how about trying to find out what’s behind their reaction; listening with understanding tells them, “I Care”.
We Can’t Afford It – Slap in the face. If the item in question appeals to you and there’s a working budget, you can avoid this type of statement by saying, “I’d like that. Have you figured out what area of the budget it will come from?” Now the issue has become, ‘how do we pay for something we’d both like’ instead of ‘you haven’t even thought far enough ahead to see it costs too much.’
My Mom/Dad Never… – Thanks honey…that makes me feel like I’m in a competition I can’t win. A healthy biblical principal has a married couple leaving their father and mother and forming a separate union, perhaps to avoid just this type of situation. The separation acknowledges and supports that this new union is unique and the parties must work together within that framework for the marriage to thrive. Does that mean you ignore everything good from your parent’s marriage? Nope! But you could mention the principle you saw at home without identifying mom or dad as the source.
You Never… – Your spouse likely won’t take to heart what you’re commenting on, especially if he’s a guy (this piece is written by one of them so he probably knows what he’s talking about…sometimes). Instead, they may log into their memory banks for the last time they did exactly what you said they never do and then they’ll have proof that you don’t ever get things right.

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I could go on, as there are 34 ‘Big Don’ts’ just in the four resources below, but then you might think, “He’s overreacting to this whole issue and I can’t afford to spend anymore time reading this blog that’s unlike anything Mom & Dad would have ever said. So instead, I’ll just end by saying, there really are things we shouldn’t say to each other, ever!

For further review, here are the sources used to come up with my list…

Reader’s Digest – 14 Things You Should Never Say to Your Spouse
Today’s Christian Woman (preview only) – 5 Things Never to Say to Your Spouse
Fulfilling Your Vows – 8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Spouse
Hear It First – 7 Things to Never Say to Your Spouse

Priority: Time for Each Other

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A person’s pledge of love for another, when accompanied by the ‘gift’ of 30 seconds of their time during a 24 hour period, is probably not very convincing to the recipient. Time spent with one we love is a priority and there’s a limited amount of it.

Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, authors of “Your Time Starved Marriage”, suggest ‘making’ time as opposed to trying to find it. Finding time is often all about better organization and if you doubt that, just check out some of the examples I found when searching for ‘how to find more time’. Making time, on the other hand, is about deciding what matters most.

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Successful people devote plenty of time to the top priority in their life. Can you think of something you’ve made a high priority in your life, good or bad, and what you did to make room for it in your hours and minutes budget? Feel free to share that with me and my reader…it might be just what someone needs to move their prioritizing in the right direction.

Little in Return

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Can anything leave you more vulnerable than truly loving someone else? When your next door neighbor doesn’t wave hello the day after you move in, you’re heart isn’t crushed. If the CEO of the large company you work for doesn’t acknowledge you in the elevator, life doesn’t end. But when the one you promised to love says something hurtful, acts selfishly, ignores your feelings, or in any way, no longer meets your expectations, the suffering can be overwhelming.

The ‘bad’ news is that the type of love we want from others will leave us open to pain when we give it to them. But it doesn’t always happen that way and when love works hard to triumph on both sides of the relationship, there isn’t anything much better in the world.

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Definitely not your typical romantic fairy tale

There will always be things we can learn from others because, though it sounds nice to think we’re good to our core, we can all be pretty nasty at the drop of a hat. Since examples of love can make us consider how we need to change, here’s something we hope will get you thinking. After you’ve watched it, feel free to let us know how it affected you.

From Devotional to Post

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Slightly over a year ago, a good friend emailed me his thoughts on a passage from the Bible and today I hope his comment speaks to married couples everywhere.

We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. 2 Thessalonians 1:3

Imagine for a moment seeing people in your life, neighborhood, and community, living in such a way that love was more and more visible. Wouldn’t that elicit a word of thanks from your lips? Well that’s what the author of the passage saw among a group of Christians living in Thessalonica, Greece. And it’s what my friend commented on.
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He pointed out Christians often pray for more faith or wisdom, but may not be as diligent when it came to increasing our love for others. His conclusion, which I agree with, “can you think of anything more exciting to say about your church [marriage, family, friends] than “The love every one of you has for each other is increasing!” It sounds like a worthy goal and one not to take lightly

We are preparing to launch ‘Love Increasingly’, a way to evaluate your love for others and implement a process to improve, if an area seems less than satisfactory to you. Imagine a marriage where both parties were seeking to increase in their love for each other. Perhaps you’d see a man and woman learning how to be more patient and less critical with each other or being less absorbed in themselves and more engrossed in the welfare of their mate.

If you know of any relationships that aren’t perfect, perhaps they could benefit from ‘Love Increasingly.’ Why not share this post with them and encourage them to sign up for email updates from our blog…after you’ve signed up for them yourself of course.

The Wow Vow

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“I, Scott, take you Ellen as my wife, to enjoy seeing you and to feel good being around you from this day forward, to have my expectations met, to be encouraged by you, cared for when I’m sick, supported when I’m out of work, and to feel proud introducing you to my friends, until I choose to walk away because I don’t feel the same emotional attachment to you that I do today.”

Marriage vows aren’t like that. In the vast majority of marriages, both people agree to care deeply for the other, not to gain personally from their behavior but because they want what’s best for their spouse. That’s love, and when it perseveres and grows , you’ve got a formula for a satisfying relationship that will deeply touch the heart and soul of both parties.
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How’s your relationship?

Get Your Hearing Checked

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In what areas do we treat our spouse like this man does his?

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man, excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, ran home and saw his wife preparing supper. ” Honey,” the man asks standing around 20 feet away, “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and still no response. Finally, from 5 feet away “Honey whats for supper?” and she replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

That would be too funny if it didn’t characterize how we deal with each other without realizing our own ‘deafness’.

I”m so thoughtful toward my wife and I’ll do anything to keep her from over exerting herself, especially at night when I’m comfortably settled on the couch watching something on television. She’ll be straightening up in the kitchen and out of my deep concern, I’ll encourage her to set things aside and come join me. She often continues working, moving on to another task after the her work in the kitchen is finished.

Meanwhile, I’m continuing to tell her she’s working too hard and should rest. She doesn’t listen all the time and eventually I can start getting frustrated at her constant activity. Doesn’t she know she can take a break and relax with her thoughtful, caring husband. Actually, as she continues working away, she probably recognizes well before it dawns on me, why I want her to take a break. It’s very hard to justify sitting by yourself watching television when the woman you claim to love is working her fingers to the bone for your benefit. If she’d just stop working, I wouldn’t feel so guilty sitting here trying to relax and ignoring the work that needs to be done.
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Read the joke again and then ponder how I’ve behaved and ask yourself the tough question: Am I too deaf to hear what my spouse is saying? If you discover something, here are a few tips you might want to consider…

Commit to change
Ask your spouse for forgiveness
Prove to them you will change
Share with us your ‘deaf spot’ (it might be just what someone else needs to hear)

These Numbers Didn’t Lie

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Ellen and I were reminiscing recently about one of our favorite stories (one of those ‘I’m such a good husband’ tales) so we decided to share it with you. It’s basically a statistical analysis of how I rated as a supportive help-mate for my wife.

Sharing the Load (Bloomsations and More)

Years ago, something happened (or didn’t happen) prompting Ellen to voice the opinion that I wasn’t pulling my own weight around the house. Knowing deep within how completely incorrect she was, I was deeply hurt and fired up to prove her wrong. My fourth grade teacher said I had a future in math so I decided to make this a numbers thing.

Grabbing a sheet of paper, I started listing household tasks in one column and then created two adjacent columns to record the percentage of each chore Ellen and I performed. How sweet this was going to be when, upon completing the list, I would see the 50/50 split in nearly every category, except for those where the percentage was heavily weighted on my side.

The first job, taking out the trash, went 30% Ellen, 70% Scott, and I was feeling vindicated and proud of it. Next was cooking meals; Ellen 65% – Scott 35%. Nothing to worry about…there was a long list below to work through.

Making beds: Ellen 85% – Scott 15%
Washing dishes: Ellen 70% – Scott 30%
Ironing cloths: Ellen 95% – Scott 5% (for putting up the ironing board)
Buying gifts for my family: Ellen 80% – Scott 20% (think they know?)
Yard work: (I knew this was mine) Ellen 75% – Scott 25% (Ouch!)

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The list kept on going and the numbers, way to often, ended up being 60% and above on Ellen’s side. You know what’s worse than being proud and arrogant? Knowing that you’re both without any basis in fact for being that way. Numerically, I was crucified.

Since that day, my scores have improved. At least I think they have; I’m not eager to retake the test and probably destroyed all evidence of the list shortly after I asked Ellen to forgive me for not being the type of husband I’d promised when we got married.

So why is such a humiliating story a favorite of ours? It marked a turning point in my commitment to love, honor, and respect Ellen in a way that demonstrated how important she is in my life. We keep learning that love isn’t as much about how we feel but rather how we act and that brings us to a More than Married for Life principal.

You Won’t be Perfect – You Can Grow Better!

Want to find out if I’ve changed? Leave a comment and ask Ellen what the scores would be now.
Think you could pass the test? Grab a piece of paper and get started.
Need to talk about who’s statistically behind the other in your relationship? Feel free to get in touch

Three New Little Words

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It’s not time to say goodbye completely to “I Love You.” However, the relationship those words are directed toward can still need a major renovation and that’s where our three new little words come in; “I am Loved.”

At the core of “I love you” we often declare how we feel about another. They could mean we enjoy your nearness; appreciate your beauty; are thankful for your help and concern, and so much more. Those are wonderful things but are they what you were promised on your wedding day?

Men using these drugs experience passionate and exciting lovemaking sessions with your partner. levitra online my drugstore Actually, products such as cigarettes contain nicotine, which negatively cialis sale impacts sexual organs, leading to unhealthy sex life. In the buy canadian viagra first three months to a year later, latex will have some degree of erectile dysfunction. These blue capsules have huge demand in market as it helps men to treat the problem as it takes care to overcome here sildenafil canada the hindrance from the root. The promises made at most ceremonies are deep, personal and full of actions to be done with the benefit of the other in mind. Through good times and bad, each commits to the other a ceaseless and growing relationship of care. So when one hears those three little words from their mate, “I love you”, and from experience can echo from the heart, “I am Loved”, they can rejoice that their relationship is being built from the ground up by love.

Love in the End (Bloomsations and More)

What’s This About?

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